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Subject:Confrontation
Time:08:53 am
I need to make a confrontation with my best friend today but I do not know what to say exactly. First of all, we are really close. He recently became single in January and since I liked him so much, I was REALLY happy. We ended up fooling aound twice, but never had sex. He then on my birthday, March 17th, said he was busy studying but that we could do a raincheck for sex. I was obviouslly really happy about that. Then spring break came and he returned back to college and told me that he was sort of seeing another female. I was really confused and upset but I remainded calm when he told me. He then asked why we never had sex, and I told him the truth. He told me back in December that he would like to see me naked but that he woulnt want to get in my pants. Also, and I did not tell him this but I think I should, when we fooled around, HE was the one who got out of bed, HE was the one who went into the bathroom and washed his hands, and HE was the one who said he had to go to class. I never left his bed until he told me he had to go soon. So what did I do wrong? if he is seeing another girl, even though hes one of my best friends at college, I don't think I could see or hang out with him for a while until I feel better. I just dont understand what I did wrong. How do I tell him all of this today without breaking down and crying or being a complete bitch about it? And if I still like him, how do I compete with this girl
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Time:04:04 pm
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Subject:wow!
Time:03:04 pm
The year is over.. wow! my last class of the semester was yesterday. The semester went by reallllllllly fast! And I leave santa barbara in 9 days for the summer. I am coming back next year yay :)

I am so happy I decided to come here. Even if things didn't work out with Gordon, I am so happy that I stayed here. I met so many great friends and had a lot of fun. I am going to miss a lot of my roommates though over the summer,and some aren't even moving back. Sad :( Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my best guy friend for the summer. And I realized something really weird.. my best guy friend..hes been there for me for everything! Through all of the guy drama that I have had, through my mothers issues, and when Im home we still talk everyday over IMS/phone/text. Hes become so much a part of my life and I rely on him so much and I am so happy he is returning next year (sadly his final year at UCSB). But I noticed that I actually have a crush on him!! And he has a girlfriend, the SAME one since high school.. so I have no idea how that will be next year!! Yikes

Im so excited to retun to chicago for the summer though even with my mothers bullshit. I am excited to see my friends, siblings and go to Wisconsin in July! and then I return to SB in augusy..yay.
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Subject:haha.
Time:08:56 pm
Haha, so much for me writing in this journal everyday. I still have 11 days to go until I leave Chicago and return to Santa Barbara. Long break, huh? I hope that when I return, that I can handle being there. I am doing a lot better with the whole Jared deal, but I think thats partly because I am now away from California. So what happens when I return? Will I be strong enough to handle it all? I sure hope so!

Life has been alright here in Chicago. A lot of relaxing and time spent with my Father. I spend a lot of time with my youngest sister Carly too. I love that kid. The only things that have disappointed me were the fact that my oldest brother Billy contacted me and asked to borrow 300 dollars. And this was on New Years Eve, and he had lost his ATM card, so he couldn't get any money out. And he said he would give the money back to me once the banks opened on January 2nd. And he gave it all back, including an extra 20 dollars. The only thing that bothered me was the fact that he has never called me before. The whole time that I was in California, he never called to ask how I was doing. I sent him 50 dollars for his 22nd birthday, and I never even got a thank you card or a phone call back. I never got anything. And all of a sudden, he calls me up and askes me for money. And then once he gave me the money back, we still haven't talked. When I am there and visitng him and the rest of my siblings, we talk.. but it just saddens me how much he does not talk to me. I moved out, yes, but to go to school.

And I asked my other brother for help with my new ipod that I got for Christmas. And I called up and my stepfather went down into his room and told him I was on the phone. And he never went to the phone. Or I ask him to tell my Mom a message because I cannot get a hold of her, and he doesn't. It just doesn't make sense. And my Mom wants me to stay a night there, but she has stolen my medication before and we fight constantly. And the house is a mess; they have so many cats and it makes the house smell. They don't change the cat liter often, and the cats literally go to the bathroom all over the carpets and my family doesn't clean it up, therefore it leads to the house smelling. Or my Mom smokes and doesn't open up a window, so the house smells of that too. Aah. I just can't handle it.

And I really, really hope that second semester is better for me, grades wise. And I hope that I can handle Santa Barbara life once again. I'm glad I have the beach there. Its a place I go to even if its freezing out to help me relax. What would I do without it?
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Subject:Glad to be home
Time:12:03 am
Well, I have not written in here in a bit. But I think since I am now home from college for a MONTH, I will be able to write daily.. I hope. I am really glad to be home for a month. At first, I was really sad to leave Santa Barbara, and I still miss it terribly, but I needed a break. I miss Jared so much, and just being there without him and being at the dorms without him.. it was a constant reminder that he had moved away and wasn't going to be living there anymore. I cried all day, all night.. and the majority of my roommates have boyfriends so it hurt when I saw them together, and realized that I didn't have that anymore. Plus school had gone to shit.. so I just really needed this break. Chicago sucks, but its far away from Santa Barbara for awhile. I know that I am strong, and that things will get better.. and I know that when I return to Santa Barbara I will be okay. But for now, my heart is still fragile. I just had no idea that when I moved to Santa Barbara, all of this would happen. Its funny.. when you least expect things to happen, THEY HAPPEN!
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Subject:thanksgiviing
Time:12:56 pm
happy thanksgiving everybody!! I hope everyone has a great day!!

I got home to Chicago last night and it was so different! My baby sister is as tall as me and is now a brunette instead of a blond, which was what she was when I left in August. its sad! I miss santa barbara already so much and i cant wait to get back to santa barbara on monday!
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Subject:Realization
Time:12:19 am
so I have realized how messed up I really can be/am. I realized that I was obbessed with Gordon, and it was borderline neurotic. Which.. is bad. And I realized that I am in beautiful Santa Barbara and need to take advantage of it. Seriously, how many of you who are reading this get to go to college that sits on the beach? Not many!! I need to take advantage of it and meet as many cute boys as possible. I need to do a lot of things.. but it has been so hard because I liked Gordon for so long and I really wanted things to work out between us. But they didn't, and life sucks that way. But there will be many boys to come in my life. I'm only 19. Plus, I do have a lot of boys that are interested in me.. I just have wanted Gordon so bad that they didn't matter to me. I pushed away a lot of good guys because I wanted Gordon and only Gordon. And now we will never be together. Life sucks, doesn't it? Ah well! Life goes on..
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Subject:so..
Time:08:28 pm
so, i am coming to terms with myself and this is what i have learned:

i came to santa barbara to follow a boy. yeah, stupid as fuck. i met him two years ago and literally fell in love with him. i went to visit him here and everything was peachy. we were intimate and all of that fun stuff. i worked my ass to go here and i finally was able to go. now im here, and i now realized that were not actually going to get together. so what the fuck do i do now? im stuck in southern california for a year atleast, even if i hated it, i am still stuck here. and homesick as fuck.

hah. fell for a guy, dumped a boyfriend for this guy, traveled over 2,00 miles in an airplane 3 times this past year, and finally come here for him and he doesnt want me now after all. i think he just wants to be 'friends.' so anyways, i just wanted to show everyone how fucked up i am. if you think your life is pathetic, just come to this post and you will see how much you arent.
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Time:12:06 am
I graduate soon (today actually, June 1) and I am so sad and so excited at the same time. I am going to miss all of my teachers and my friends and even all of the fake people at my school, I will miss. I'll miss the hallways and the stupid crazy bus drivers and so on. I will probably end up crying at graduation. <3

In other news, everything is taken care of for Santa Barbara!
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Subject:Yikes.
Time:11:12 pm
I have a dilemma. Last year a boy that I knew liked me. I did not like him, I was interested in another guy. I told him this over and over again, and finally he got the hint. He didn't touch me or try and kiss me anymore, we were just friends. But these past few months, even if hes away at college, I've started to like him. Really like him. and I do not know what to do now. I can tell him, but I'm also going awawy to college this fall, and I'll be in California and he'll be at Tulane in Louisana. So, is it worth it to tell him that I like him? I have a feeling that I would regret it and be hurt that I did not tell him in the long run. I dunno what to od
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Subject:update. feel like crap.
Time:01:36 am
i need to update this thing, and i have a lot to vent out, so here's a long entry for those of you who are extremely bored and want to read this and give me some nice advice.

last friday my mom and i got into a HUGE disagreement. she was yelling at me, screaming at me, ranting on and on about how horrible of a daughter i am and how i do this or that wrong. and she got very physical with me. hitting me and slapping me and kicking me. i held her wrists and pushed her back, but it was in defense. i never once hit her. and she got really angry with me after a while when the fighting didn't stop and she asked me to move out. so i packed up some clothes in my duffel bag, got my backpack, and went over to my dads. i am still here and its been about 8 or 9 days. i am So confused as to why i was kicked out. she's asked me to come home but i really don't know. we went to counseling together last thursday to talk about it all and get to the root of why my mother kicked me out, and we still didn't get to it after the 45 minute session. it was so confusing, whenever the therapist would ask my mom "what made you so stressed out on friday that you asked your daughter to move out" and we STILL didn't get a correct answer out of her mouth. she kept on bringing up my dad, and he had nothing to do with any of this. we have another appt. on friday, june 2, so hopefully we will get something out of her then.

today i had work. it went okay. i really really like this one guy at work, but it is so confusing. he always sits next to me when were on break together, and always is poking at me jokingly and making fun of me in cute ways, and little things like that. and we have SO much in common, such as we both have mothers who are drunks, and we both suffered from seizures as little children until we grew out of it. but he has a girlfriend, or he did back in march when we were first getting to know each other. so right now he is off limits, and it stinks. but i still enjoy the flirtation that he gives me. is that bad? i don't know.

im really confused because i do not know if i should move back home or not. i miss my siblings and my bed and my room SO much but it is safer here. i just wish i had a friend to turn to about this. i really need a friend right now and i feel as if i have noone. i've cried so many times this past week. im so confused and lost.

and i start my diet tomorrow, AGAIN. i have consumed too much food in the past few weeks, and i need to slim down, atleast by ten pounds. i hope to do it by atleast june 29th, when i have to be in santa barbara for orientation. wish me luck!!

and i graduate this thursday, june 1st. yay.
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Time:09:28 pm
What is everyone doing this year for Christmas? Anything exciting?
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Time:06:23 pm
argh, im so freaken depressed lately. i haven't eaten well either, so thats no good. i didn't even realize how poor my eating habits were & it scares me. since i've been depressed i haven't really put on fancy clothes or anything & mostly been in sweatpants and such and when i went in a swimsuit today for gym, i was shocked at what i saw. since christmas break, i have lost 30 pounds and i didn't even realize it. sure, my arms and legs were getting thinner but i just thought i was getting into shape. i've also lost a size in my bra, and thats always an indication that i've lost weight since my boobs are the first to go there. i really need to get a hold of things, because things will just get worse from here. i've been so depressed and moody and awful lately. i feel like a cold heartless bitch who will probably burn in hell for the rest of her life. or should for that matter.

i'm probably off to cry or something now, blah.
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Time:10:35 pm
i'm cold. and i am also getting new photos, so if anyone wants them.. e-mail me at babyxkelz@aol.com so i can send them to you when i get them developed :)
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Time:06:54 pm
ok jamils pissing me off. other then that, nothings going on right now.

but i got a test for you all!

1) Name one thing that you like about me
2 Name one thing you think I should improve on (physically,mentally, etc)
3. Name one word to describe me and why.
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[icon] Kelly
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You're looking at the latest 15 entries.
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